2012 US Olympic Trials

I can’t believe it’s almost time for my beloved Summer Olympics. This is the only time I actually care about sports. I could care less about basketball, baseball or football but when it comes to the summer Olympics, I’m hardcore. I’ll shed one tear for cancelling our trip to London next month but I swear I’ll go to the Olympics one day. Besides, everything in England is twice as expensive as in the US, so it would have been a $20,000 trip! I need a dishwasher and new kitchen much more than 5 days in chaotic, overcrowded London *which I’ve already been to*

So, I’ve already got my faves in the two best categories, swimming and gymnastics. No, I’m not on the Phelps bandwagon. He’s awesome, part-fish and a stonerwe get it! Cullen Jones is who I’m cheering for.

Cullen is on the left

Not only is he an excellent swimmer but he’s also brave enough to let his junk hang out in a spandex bathing suit *I’m such a perv* On the women’s side I have to go with my girl Dara Torres

This Brickhouse of solid muscle is 45 years old and she has a 6 year old daughter. Way to be fucking incredible, Dara! I’m also liking Natalie Coughlin cause she’s awesome and will most likely win gold again.

Now let’s discuss my favorite event of the summer Olympics…GYMNASTICS! I’m not that into the men because those leggings bother me.

I get uncomfortable when balls go a-flyin’. I have my eye on John Orozco and Jake Dalton *who is gorgeous* Holy Cow, the women! Can I be the first to ask WTH is up with women gymnasts wearing about 50 snap clips in their hair? It’s so hard to believe any of them are over 12!

When will someone invent a hair clip that doesn’t look like a 4 year old from the early 90’s? I already give them a pass on the horrendous makeup they wear *pink or white glittery shadow is never a wise choice ladies* Can we please hire Christian Siriano to make them all over?

The biggest hot tranny mess was my gurl Nastia “Nasty” Liukin. She dated my nemesis Evan Lysacek. What makes him my mortal enemy you say? He stole the gold medal in men’s figure skating at the winter olympics from my FABulous homeboy Johnny Weir *I love me some Johnny* She’s nasty cause she spits on her hands, unsanitary. YUCK!! My heart stopped when she fell off the uneven bars. I felt really bad for her cause she’s retiring now.

I remember rooting for Nastia in Beijing *I told you, I’m an Olympic nerd* I wanted her to win so bad but she has got to lose her I smell shit face.

I don’t understand the girls who look absolutely miserable during their routines. Put a smile on your face, dammit! That’s why I’m rooting for Gabby Douglas, she can’t stop cheesing.

I can’t believe how much control this amazing 16 year old has. She has the longest legs I’ve seen in women’s gymnastics! Thank the heavens Gabs didn’t use the same boring, old fashioned Eastern European music that all gymnasts use on the floor routine. It’s time for a change in the gymnastics world.

My DVR is so full of Liv’s shows that it will be hard to record most of the events *plus they all go for like 5 or 6 hours* so I’ll be sad if I miss synchronized swimming again this time. I also can’t stand it when I watch the Olympics and my DVR cuts it off right before the end of the event.

Am I the only devoted Olympics fan here? Any of you lovelies have favorite athletes? I can’t wait for the opening ceremony. Sorry London, there is no way you can come close to topping Beijing’s opening ceremony unless Queen Elizabeth comes out in clear heels and pole dances!!

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