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This is fucking funny. Enjoy!

By Lucky Shirt

Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito:

Have you ever been to earth?
On
earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with
things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got
that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you
and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred
begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed
with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that
should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you
did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos
are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a
burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction,
you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you
make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That
way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two
types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost
hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have
you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should
try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH
THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When
you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise
like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and
I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done,
since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your
crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything,
because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell
over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s
what:
Humans also don’t
eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter
from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line.
But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able
to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT
BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
Nope.
My
experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A
MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY
THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING
CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING
SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And
don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer
your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING
MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT
THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT
BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT
AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s
that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA
JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW,
AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
In conclusion:
You’re
the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe
everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope
your babies look like monkeys.

This has been a commercial.

Also,
it is meant to be a work of humor. If you take from this that a human
being really got as angry about a burrito as the post suggests, please
never introduce me to the human beings you know.
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Happy Friday!

Posted by

Bonjour, I am a Francophile who enjoys blogging, baking, Björk, peonies, & traveling. Married to 💍Antz & Mummy to Liv 🇫🇷💄🎈🍰🍟🌸

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