We are in Apple Valley visiting my Mom for a few days. I wasn’t going to blog tonight simply because I haven’t done anything interesting besides eat pizza and sit in front of my Mom’s fireplace wishing how much I would like a “functioning” wood burning fireplace of my own *that won’t burn my house down*. Dream the impossible dream, right?

The fire smells fantastic, I can sit here all day

Seriously, something about being here turns me into a ball of lazy mush *so what’s different from when you’re a ball of lazy mush at home?*. It’s so peaceful here. Eerily quiet. Oddly, as tired as I am, I can never fall asleep at night here. At home we have a lullebye of my asshole neighbors drunkenly fighting one another, random Rancho music played at illegal decibels late into the night and police sirens and helicopters that sound like we live in downtown Syria. LA is crazy noisy, so when I’m up here in mountain country, the only sounds I hear is a fucking owl in a bush hooting. I’m really mad that I’ve never seen the owl because it’s pitch dark out here and I’m positive it would be the cutest owl ever. There’s shit out here that you would never see in the city, like alpacas, they are everywhere and stars! Did you know there is more than 5 stars in the sky?! If I went outside right now I could see our entire galaxy with my bare eyes! When you drive *on the dirt roads* folks actually smile and wave at you passing by. The first time this happened to me I was too afraid to wave back and I quickly rolled up my window because I was sure it was one of those gang initiation things. Another phenomenon that only happens in the valley of apples is the food service workers are not only friendly and  competent, but they actually act like they give a shit about the food they serve you. At first I thought it was a fluke since we were at In & out and we all know they only hire happy, smiley, Christian-virgins there, but every time we’ve gone to a drive thru the experience has been pleasant and I don’t have to return because they’ve messed up my order. They also ride horses in the drive thru. No, for real! Anyway, all these things combined plus Happy Hour – half price on all drinks and they have the most wonderful blue coconut slushies, at a legendary place called Sonic *which weirdly we see commercials for all the time in Los Angeles but there are none within city limits* makes for a splendid time in the desert. It’s cold and windy but the air is clean and crisp in a good kind of way. There is never an agenda or a need to rush out here. I don’t wear make up, spend all day in my pajamas and we spend our evenings playing Yahtzee!

My Mom pretty much lives on Tatooine

Tonight we spent the evening watching slideshows of all 19 thousand of my photos on my computer and after everyone went to bed at 7:30, I watched Liv’s birth videos. Oye! Can I be the first to say that seeing a human slide out of your body reminds me of Aliens *don’t click this*. It’s creepy for everyone involved but since its the magical moment your child is born, you brush it off like when you sneeze and fart at the same time. Disclaimer; Olivia is the most gorgeous child on the face of this planet *sorry all other kids* but during her first seconds she was terribly slimy and gray. It took about 4 minutes for her to become cute. I had 2% baby experience prior to Liv’s birth and that was seeing my nephew’s birth *in which I cried tears of joy like someone punched me in the boob but I was also mortified by the grossness of birth* I have a video of my placenta coming out, did I just ruin food for you? Although I am so happy I have a document of our daughter’s birth. One, I can show it to her anytime she sasses me as a teenager and two, I fucking did that shit! Me!! I pushed that 8.59 pound child out of my body like a BOSS! The night before my water broke, I was terrified of her birth. I couldn’t stop thinking of the sheer physics of it. I was sure I would break in half or pass out from my wimpyness of pain. On paper, I planned a “natural” drug-free birth and I practiced my breathing while bouncing on my birthball every day but the second that Pitocin kicked in, I was like “Oh, Mr. Anesthesiologist!” I salute the women who can not only do it drug-free but more than once! I only had about an hour and a half of active pushing with 3 doses of my epidural so when I gave birth, I was ready for the President to come in the room and hand me my Medal of Honor. The photos I have are just hilarious. If my laptop were ever stolen the thieves would bust a gut at the faces I am making while I’m barfing into a hospital vomit bag.

This was taken Pre-meds!

Oh man, I’m cracking myself up at midnight in a big, quiet house and I’m the only one up waiting for my owl buddy to start hooting. #Insomniasucks