Nothing sucks more than making a bunch empty promises to yourself on January 1st *only to pig out by January 15th*, stop going to the gym by January 29th *because it’s too cold to work out* and stop saving by February 1st *you were going to save when you got your tax refund, but you needed that new purse, shoes, jeans, etc… Don’t give me that look, we are ALL guilty of it!!

So I refuse to set myself up for failure this year. I want to promote a new year, a new attitude *finger snap* new thinking, new living! Sounds good right? Herein lies the rub, I am an excellent starter. If there was an award for being motivated, starting off with enthusiasm and being organized and proactive, I win that bitch!! But, I quickly lose interest, energy and will-power so I move on to the next big scheme. Prime example, Mix Tape Fridays, 30 days of Thanks *what the hell happened to them?* How do I conquer this vicious cycle?? Well, I am asking you, lovelies, to help gently nudge, subtly remind and kick my ass if I fall of the wagon!! I am going to keep my goals realistic, and sensible, just kidding, I just need any and everything I do must contribute to getting into my Dream Home by 2014 *so I can shut up about it already!!* Deep breathe, let’s begin….

1. Here’s the most obvious one…I must stop eating like a meth-tweaker!! I resolve to stop ordering anything in Large portions. Large food = Large Liz!! Start eating fruits and veggies *gag, I know* and I will only drink water Monday through Friday. Please give me lemonade on weekends. I also have to kick my cookies & cream chocolate bars addiction. I know how wrong it is on so many levels and that fact that I looked smaller when I was preggers speaks volumes!! I really have to kick start my fitness regime *like going from zero fitness to moving my lazy blob* Weekly walks *in Atwater Village, yay!* volleyball of course, hikes on weekends, start Rock toddler classes at HeartBeat House and get back to using my Wii Fit, which Antz loves to remind me how I had to have it and I never use it.

2. Manage my money like I’m Oprah *meaning, think rich, save rich!* If I stop spending $68 on frames and Hello Kitty MAC eyeshadows *that I never wear* I would have a down payment by the time Olivia starts kindergarten in 2014. I need to send a cyborg into the future to stop me from my poor spending habits and shake myself when I make poor financial decisions *$337 to see a horse show, WTF??!!* I know it’s as likely as Lindsay Lohan to get clean and sober, but all I need to do to give myself an intervention is look across the street at those loud, trash, ignorant fucktards!! Those bastards even ruined my rainbow yesterday

3. I would like to eliminate all my plastic debt by next Christmas. Yep, I said it here, get off the crack/plastic by 12/25/2011 I should have a $0 balance. It’s time for me to put my money where my mouth is. I really, really want to move to Atwater Village *duh, you never shut up about it* and if I want my Dream house, I need to be ready when the opportunity presents itself. I can do anything I put my mind to *I met Björk, won the Price is Right, had a bebe, married the man of dreams, I even went to London and Paris with $200* so selling this house and buying a new one shouldn’t be that difficult. I would like to invest any profits from our Etsy shop into stocks. Savings accounts and CDs are a joke *I’m earning like 1% for every $1,000 we have in savings* and Money magazine tells rich people to invest in stocks so I need to start behaving like rich folks so *lifts pinky finger* Keep my eye on the prize!!

4. STOP THE PROCRASTINATION!! Now, generally, I am organized, I have never been guilty of not planning ahead and I consider myself as thoughtful. It’s all lies! I need a vast improvement in so many areas. I am so last minute, I never call people back, totally forget *or apply a DADT policy* for my friend’s birthdays, appointments, I stay up all night trying to come up with a last second gift and I will stand for it no longer. In the year 2011…I shall have presents, not only ahead of time but wrapped beautifully *no longer re-using old gift bags* or giving gift cards to anyone *how impersonal, I may as well write them a check for $20, Grandma-style* I will think of others when I’m in a cute store and instead of just thinking….so and so would like that. I will actually follow through and buy nice things for my amazingly rad friends and family. I will also stop flaking on plans. I’m not as guilty as Antz is on this one but I’ve got a serious issue with being on-time. I have a mental defect that somehow prevents me from getting showered, hair/makeup and fully dressed BEFORE I need to leave the house. I know it takes me over an hour to get decent, and yet I fuck around until 15 minutes before we have to leave and then I’m all grouchy because Antz is rushing me. I also end up returning to the house *often more than once* because I forgot something *usually sunglasses, coupons, my wallet, my phone, Liv’s coat, etc.* Stop the insanity!! I resolve to manage my time much better!!

5. Fix this house so we can sell the hell out of here!! I could have all the money *Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton & Snookie {our society can stoop no lower} have *tell me again why they have money when they are obviously lacking brains* and still be stuck with this house. It’s a cute house, has great curb appeal *if you turn a blind eye to the dungeon across the street* but we need to make some serious improvements. I need to stop going for the cosmetic changes and get some big issues resolved *I’m talking plumbing, paint the hallway, remove the popcorn in the hallway and living room, replace broken electrical outlets, replace our *Prehistoric* water heater, fix the broken light in Liv/Antz closet and the floodlight on the front deck, either replace or repair the back door, remodel the garage, kitchen and bathroom* basically get this house Designed to Sell. I could sell, donate and trash about 40% of our belongings and not really miss anything. With such small footage, I need to create the illusion of large, efficient space. If we took as much time, money and effort as we did in Olivia’s nursery, our house would be majorly awesome, I wouldn’t want to move. I would love to invite our realtor, Debora over to get her professional assessment of where we should spend our money and how we can market our house for sale. The last time I spoke to her, she told me to wait until the market stabilizes. Our neighbors on our right side are listing their house in February and I am soo anxious to see how quickly their house sells and for how much. They do have an advantage because they just spent $100k getting their foundation repaired, brand new chimney and retaining wall and they have a guest house over their garage which gives them much more value than our house. The good news for us is if they sell for over $500k that will increase the neighborhood’s value. I really would like to apply the countless hours of HGTV and DIY network I have been watching and actually do a 48 hour renovation. I desperately want to redo our bathroom floors and refinish our kitchen cabinets *both projects should be under $500* Time to get this house in Angelina Jolie shape *without the husband-stealing and army of minority children*

6. LEARN FRENCH!! If I had a dollar for every New Year’s resolution I have vowed to learn French I’d have $10 *which I would spend on hair bows, wait!! that’s old Lizzie talking, I would invest it into a blue chip stock* This must be the year that I can say more than Bonjour or Merci. I have been going on and on about sending Olivia to a French speaking school, what kind of looney am I to send our kid to a school to learn a language that when she comes home she wouldn’t have anyone to speak to with? *EYE ROLL* I have bought books, iphone apps, computer programs, and only used them once. I am going to have a big craigslist sale *purge my closet, get rid of my beauty school textbooks, once and for all, and sell all my preggo stuff I no longer need {Liz, you are a HOARDER!!} and buy Rosetta Stone {well, maybe go halfsies with Aimee} and learn French once and for all, Sacre Bleu!!! *I only know that from Pepé Le Pew {who is obviously based on Hugh Hefner} on Looney Tunes*